Multitudes and Mountaintops

I was given a word this year! A literal word - and that was solidified with the scripture given for the groups I currently champion. Yet, as the year progressed the word given seemed to get blurry much like the promise given. Nonetheless, I held on because what else am I gonna do but believe? (Christian people problems lol) Each time God was about to answer I would be met with what felt like stumbling blocks in my way...which I would grind down to pebbles but still I felt the pain as each stone rolled under feet. I kept moving forward...most days, but there were days however when I would just lay in place and hope a boulder did not fall on my face. Delays, disappointments and distractions were currently in my way. As soon as I overcame one thing it felt as if I was faced with another.

Though small the impact was mountain size. You see there is something called complex trauma which explains the effects of compounded traumatic events. So with every bite size encounter I felt myself shrinking, still functioning but disappearing. I started to question my safety...where was my safe place? Who did I call home? Why couldn't I think of someone swiftly? Then it hit me, the only being I trusted completely was Christ! I had never felt so lonely in my life. Why did I also feel empty? Then it hit me...I'd been spending more time with the multitude than on the mountaintop. I had been crying out to God to meet with me but I was not going to the place I knew He would be. Then He reminded me that He understood all that I was feeling - taking me through the book of John I saw the way He lived out ministry and I desired to be free! Free from the need for safety in vulnerability...

It was that moment I decided I would lean into who and what God placed me in and around - community! So I knew where to find Him to drop everything but instead of carrying it until then I could always drop off piece by piece at these various safe spaces I had cultivated over the many years of relationships. It was in that moment relief hit me! I had spent so much time searching for complete safety in one someone when my true husband had been shouting loudly pick me...I am all you need! So this is my encouragement to anyone who might be feeling like I did...don't spend so much time serving the multitude that you forget that the vessel needs maintenance which can only be found on the mountaintops and when it gets to heavy to carry alone, tap into the people you sometime call home. #ChristandCommunity